Mother's Day was a bit unusual for me yesterday.
For the last two weeks, my best friend's husband and my own husband were planning. That in itself was strange, because we have never really celebrated Mother's Day. We have always done a card, and maybe a lazy day at home. That's it. Nothing else. Which was fine. I had no problem with it.
Until yesterday.
Celebrating with another family was rough. Especially when that family celebrates in ways so different from your own.
On Sat, BF and I were given the morning off. She has 4 children, two still at home, one in the same city with a grandbaby, and one far away. I have two children, one at home, one in the same city, and Babylove, my grandson. BF and I were able to leave the men-folk to take care of the homes and kids so that we could go an hour away to visit a water garden place and anything else we wanted to do. IT WAS GREAT!! We talked. We shopped for plants and fish. We ate lunch. WITHOUT CHILDREN.
While we were away, Hubs and BF hubs did work on a honey-do list at my house. Things that needed to be done but I hadn't been able to get to yet. Like digging up an old fence post and it's accompanying wad of concrete. Like moving the woodworking tools around in the basement so that some adirondak (??) chairs could be built. Like planting a rose bush by my mailbox that required first digging up roots from a previous plant that went to China. Like moving cement blocks around to the deck so I can get some potted plants and color out there.
And they planned for Sunday's celebrations of Mother's Day. Breakfast out at the local Cracker Barrel. Movie time for us girls without Babylove climbing on me. Grilling out in the afternoon.
Sunday morning came and we dressed to head to the restaurant. BF Hubs got there early so that we wouldn't have to wait in line. While I was getting ready, Hubs got Babylove up and dressed then went to wake YD. She said "I'm tired and I don't feel good."
That is her standard response EVERY time someone wakes her. I usually ignore it and tell her to get up anyway. She does and all is well.
This morning, she didn't get up. She wanted to sleep in. Fine. FINE! I could still enjoy the day without her.
We get to the resaturant. Everyone had just been seated. They even had a highchair ready for Babylove. There was BF and her hubs, three of their kids, one kid's boyfriend, one of their grands, me, Hubs, Babylove...and that's it. None of my kids. Not either one.
And I started to feel weepy. Just a little. So I got up and went outside. I didn't want to cry in front of BF because she has recently lost her mother. This was a rough day for her without adding my drama.
I stood outside and smoked and watched all the families mill about. So many people. Families with babies and smiling youngsters, grumpy teens, young adults, grands and even a few great-grands.
And I started to cry. More than just a little. Not sobbing, mind you. Just tears running down my face unstopably. I was missing my adopted mother, Mary Alice Shipman. (Yes, I remember that you hate, HATE your middle name!) And I was missing my children, as dysfunctional as we may be. And I was missing my own mother even though I had already talked to her that morning. I was thinking about all the Mother's Days I had let pass without telling her that I am sorry for the way I have treated her in the past. And that I wanted her to know that for each Mother's Day that I let go without telling her how much I appreciated her and was glad she was in my life, I was so sorry. And that I was glad she tried so hard to STAY in my life even when I was being a butt. And I cried.
And I cried periodiocally throughout breakfast. And even more after breakfast. All the way home. And was still crying when BF stopped by after dropping her kids off at their home. And then cried some more when she asked what was wrong. (P.S. YD is STILL in the bed.)
So we talked. And then went to her house to begin our movie time. And I was ok.
And my bad start to the day was made better.
Monday, May 11, 2009
My outlet, DAMNIT! MINE!
This is my outlet. This is where I can moan and complain about my day-to-day. This is NOT all about ED. Or Hubs, or Babylove, or YD. Yes, they do come up frequently as they all are the majority of my life. BUT. THIS IS MY OUTLET. If this offends you...LEAVE. NOW.
Don't read anymore. Don't take what I say personally. Don't think it's all about you. Don't get so bent that you do something drastic because I want to bitch. Get over yourself and just let me vent.
Don't read anymore. Don't take what I say personally. Don't think it's all about you. Don't get so bent that you do something drastic because I want to bitch. Get over yourself and just let me vent.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
I'm done. It's over.
I can't do this anymore. My ED has complained for the last time that my blog is causing her 'issues' so I quit. I give up.
Those of you who know me, know my phone number. The rest of you...I'm sorry.
Those of you who know me, know my phone number. The rest of you...I'm sorry.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
WTF??!!??
"Well once again, you make it sound as though I am going down the wrong path and that i wont be able to get Damian back. I am trying to get my head on straight but almost everytime we talk about me getting Damian, you make me feel like you dont want me to have him. I know I cant have him now. I am not ready. I wish I was. I wish that I was a totally different person so that I could take care of the one person I love most in this world. Then again if I was totally different I wouldnt had to have given him up. I could have worked through my depression and my disorders. But I am not different. I am me. And it looks and sounds like me isnt good enough. If you want to raise Damian the way you feel he should be raised then go right ahead. I wont step in the way. I wont step anywhere. I love you. I always have. But its slowly getting harder to love the person who keeps continueing to hurt my dreams of having my son in my arms. I hope you can raise him better than you did with me. I love you Damian."
This is the comment my ED left after reading the post titled "Married, you say?"
She is in the mental hospital again. When I went to the ER to be with her before they decided what to do with her, we talked. I asked what led her to this place again. She told me that she had a rough weekend. After asking her what happened, she said that a few things went wrong. First, I changed plans on her on Friday. Second, I got upset with her on that same Friday. Second, I changed plans on her on Saturday, as well. Third, she read my blog.
All of those things combined put her into a downward tailspin. And she started cutting again. And having suicidal thoughts.
It had nothing to do with not speaking to her 'fiancee' for a week. It had nothing to do with the idiot she has living with her and his psycho-jealous girlfriend. It had nothing to do with not being able to pay her bills. It had nothing to do with not taking her medication. It had nothing to do with starting school again and missing at least one assignment during the first week.
It's all about what I have done to upset her.
This is the comment my ED left after reading the post titled "Married, you say?"
She is in the mental hospital again. When I went to the ER to be with her before they decided what to do with her, we talked. I asked what led her to this place again. She told me that she had a rough weekend. After asking her what happened, she said that a few things went wrong. First, I changed plans on her on Friday. Second, I got upset with her on that same Friday. Second, I changed plans on her on Saturday, as well. Third, she read my blog.
All of those things combined put her into a downward tailspin. And she started cutting again. And having suicidal thoughts.
It had nothing to do with not speaking to her 'fiancee' for a week. It had nothing to do with the idiot she has living with her and his psycho-jealous girlfriend. It had nothing to do with not being able to pay her bills. It had nothing to do with not taking her medication. It had nothing to do with starting school again and missing at least one assignment during the first week.
It's all about what I have done to upset her.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I hate...
...people that think just because you have a small child, you have time to do anything and everything.
Case in point -- My husband wants his shirts ironed. Which I don't have a problem with except I would rather clean toilets. But try ironing with a 16-month-old running around the house, tripping on the cords, climbing on the board legs, pulling the shirts out of the basket to put them in the dirty clothes, tossing the hangers about the room until you can't move without them springing up under your feet and slapping you in the shins. I would rather listen to Hubby bitch. And I do.
Case in point -- Try going anywhere during the day. Like just a quick trip to Wal-Mart, you say? Yeah. Get yourself ready, get the child ready, wait...has the child eaten??? Does the child need a nap??? Can I have a nap??? Do you have extra diapers??? Crackers??? Wet wipes??? Sippy cup??? Pacifier??? Ok...walk out the door, oh, crap, it's raining/sleeting/snowing/hailing/anything-but-balmy-sunshine...RUN! Cause you don't want the child to get sick/wet/cold. Strap the child down, drive to Wal-Mart, find parking that doesn't require a three-mile hike toting a child, shop in a store designed for everything EVERYTHING to be within the child's reach, hike back to the car, strap the now-screaming child into the car, load the groceries, and head home planning the reverse trip into the house. And I say planning the trip because now the child is tired, cranky, hungry, and in need of a diaper change AND you need to get the groceries up before the cold stuff isn't so cold anymore. So you get the groceries up and in the kitchen. Then you fight the child, who only wants to help, for the right to put the groceries where YOU want them to go. Up for running a few errands? I think NOT!!!
...making plans when you have a baby in the house.
Case in point -- I was going to spend some time with a friend of mine. Sitting at her house, drinking blackberry wine, maybe getting the in hot tub, relaxing. Yeah. Until Babylove's schedule got all messed up. Like not getting his full 3-hour nap. Consequently, instead of him being in a good mood for the evening, he was cranky, that type of cranky where nothing would soothe him for more than 10 minutes at a time, and he wouldn't go down for another nap. So plans get changed to staying at home again. AGAIN.
...people who think that staying at home with a baby is the greatest thing in the world.
Case in point -- A few weeks ago, I managed to get out of the house without Babylove. IT WAS GREAT!!! As much as I love him, as much as he is a really easy child, as much as I think being with them until school starts is a good thing, it is still a chore to go anywhere and do anything with a small child.
Case in point -- At the market recently, I ran into someone I hadn't seen in 6 or so years. In the course of conversation, she asked where I worked now. When I said that I stayed home to raise Babylove, she went OFF! Going on and on about how lucky I am, and how much free time I must have, and how many household chores I can do, and how many craft projects she would be able to finish, and how her yard would be perfect. My eyes glazed over as she kept talking. I ended the conversation and left. I don't care if I ever talk to her again.
...people who have 'The-Grass-is-Greener' syndrome.
Case in point -- No one has it any better than anyone else. NO ONE. I used to be jealous of someone who seemed to have all the money, friends, time in the world. But then I learned that his wife ran over and killed their only child when he was four. How can you envy someone's life, posessions, etc when you must also envy the path that led them there?
Case in point -- My husband wants his shirts ironed. Which I don't have a problem with except I would rather clean toilets. But try ironing with a 16-month-old running around the house, tripping on the cords, climbing on the board legs, pulling the shirts out of the basket to put them in the dirty clothes, tossing the hangers about the room until you can't move without them springing up under your feet and slapping you in the shins. I would rather listen to Hubby bitch. And I do.
Case in point -- Try going anywhere during the day. Like just a quick trip to Wal-Mart, you say? Yeah. Get yourself ready, get the child ready, wait...has the child eaten??? Does the child need a nap??? Can I have a nap??? Do you have extra diapers??? Crackers??? Wet wipes??? Sippy cup??? Pacifier??? Ok...walk out the door, oh, crap, it's raining/sleeting/snowing/hailing/anything-but-balmy-sunshine...RUN! Cause you don't want the child to get sick/wet/cold. Strap the child down, drive to Wal-Mart, find parking that doesn't require a three-mile hike toting a child, shop in a store designed for everything EVERYTHING to be within the child's reach, hike back to the car, strap the now-screaming child into the car, load the groceries, and head home planning the reverse trip into the house. And I say planning the trip because now the child is tired, cranky, hungry, and in need of a diaper change AND you need to get the groceries up before the cold stuff isn't so cold anymore. So you get the groceries up and in the kitchen. Then you fight the child, who only wants to help, for the right to put the groceries where YOU want them to go. Up for running a few errands? I think NOT!!!
...making plans when you have a baby in the house.
Case in point -- I was going to spend some time with a friend of mine. Sitting at her house, drinking blackberry wine, maybe getting the in hot tub, relaxing. Yeah. Until Babylove's schedule got all messed up. Like not getting his full 3-hour nap. Consequently, instead of him being in a good mood for the evening, he was cranky, that type of cranky where nothing would soothe him for more than 10 minutes at a time, and he wouldn't go down for another nap. So plans get changed to staying at home again. AGAIN.
...people who think that staying at home with a baby is the greatest thing in the world.
Case in point -- A few weeks ago, I managed to get out of the house without Babylove. IT WAS GREAT!!! As much as I love him, as much as he is a really easy child, as much as I think being with them until school starts is a good thing, it is still a chore to go anywhere and do anything with a small child.
Case in point -- At the market recently, I ran into someone I hadn't seen in 6 or so years. In the course of conversation, she asked where I worked now. When I said that I stayed home to raise Babylove, she went OFF! Going on and on about how lucky I am, and how much free time I must have, and how many household chores I can do, and how many craft projects she would be able to finish, and how her yard would be perfect. My eyes glazed over as she kept talking. I ended the conversation and left. I don't care if I ever talk to her again.
...people who have 'The-Grass-is-Greener' syndrome.
Case in point -- No one has it any better than anyone else. NO ONE. I used to be jealous of someone who seemed to have all the money, friends, time in the world. But then I learned that his wife ran over and killed their only child when he was four. How can you envy someone's life, posessions, etc when you must also envy the path that led them there?
Is it really something to get mad about?
Morgan has issues. Really. Not just issues with being a 13-year-old but ...
Her best friend spent the night last night. This morning it is only 22 degrees outside. They got into a fight because Tiffany wouldn't wear a coat.
Seriously. I'm not kidding.
They both went to school angry because Morgan told Tiffany that she needed to wear a coat. Tiffany didn't want to carry the coat around all day (since they spend MOST of their time indoors) and doesn't have room in her locker. Morgan thinks she knows best and tried to anger Tiffany into wearing the coat. Tiffany is stubborn too and wouldn't wear it just to spite Morgan.
Teenagers. I understand why, in the wild, some parents eat their young.
Her best friend spent the night last night. This morning it is only 22 degrees outside. They got into a fight because Tiffany wouldn't wear a coat.
Seriously. I'm not kidding.
They both went to school angry because Morgan told Tiffany that she needed to wear a coat. Tiffany didn't want to carry the coat around all day (since they spend MOST of their time indoors) and doesn't have room in her locker. Morgan thinks she knows best and tried to anger Tiffany into wearing the coat. Tiffany is stubborn too and wouldn't wear it just to spite Morgan.
Teenagers. I understand why, in the wild, some parents eat their young.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Married, you say???
Mid November ...
SHE - I am going to Japan for the month of April.
ME - Ok. Who is he and where did you meet him???
SHE - You know him. It's Kenny. From high school.
ME - Really? I didn't even know you guys were dating!?!
SHE - Well, we kinda are. He's in Japan and we have been talking, texting and e-mailing for a few weeks.
A week later...
ME - So what led to marriage?
SHE - We were talking about me not having insurance so I can't go to the dr. If I want Babylove back, I have to try to get my head straight.
ME - And?
SHE - Well, he kinda jokingly said that if we were married, I could live in on-base housing, go to the commisary, and have military insurance. That way I could go back to see the counselor.
ME - And that's a good enough reason to get married??? Military benefits?
SHE - He was just joking. I'm not going to get married just for his military perks.
A week later...
SHE - So we have kinda set a date for next November.
ME - For what?
SHE - To get married.
ME - WHAT??!!??
SHE - Yeah, we have been talking about it more and I am going to spend the month with him and then he's coming home in November so we are getting married.
ME - *thinking that 'this too shall pass"* Ok.
Several days later...
SHE - We have changed the date.
ME - I didn't realize you had a date to begin with?
SHE - It's now going to be in July. And I'm not going to Japan in April.
ME - Ok
Present day ...
Suffice it to say that I have no idea what's going on. The date has been changed several times. How can you plan a wedding without a date? Not only that, she has developed a GIANORMUS need to have Babylove back. Which is going to take some time. And she says she isn't leaving the States without him. So what was the whole point of this marriage thing anyway???
And why rush it? Her paramour has loved her since high school. What's a little more time? They haven't even dated this time around, for Pete's sake!! Paramour is going to get hurt over all this. ED will not be happy when she learns that she has added a whole new set of problems to her current ones. Marriage doesn't 'cure' anything and can be a disease in itself.
And it's not fair to use someone for your own gain. She is not in love. She doesn't even know what love is at this point. If you don't love (or at least like) yourself, how can you believe that anyone else can love you?? When she realizes that she doesn't truly love paramour and wants out, what's going to happen to Babylove then? Especially when paramour has expressed the deisre to adopt him. Where will that leave ED? In another custody battle for Babylove?
Don't get me wrong. I love paramour. When they dated in high school, I thought he was the best thing to happen to her since Daddy came into our lives. She says that why she broke up with him back then. Cause her parents liked him. Can you say 'brains'! Anyway, he has a good head on his shoulders and when he finds something he wants, he goes after it. Like a dog with a bone. I find that type of determination a good thing. Unfortunately, it's going to get him hurt this time.
Just one more effort on her part to solve problems the easy way. There is no easy way. One day at a time and lots of elbow grease.
SHE - I am going to Japan for the month of April.
ME - Ok. Who is he and where did you meet him???
SHE - You know him. It's Kenny. From high school.
ME - Really? I didn't even know you guys were dating!?!
SHE - Well, we kinda are. He's in Japan and we have been talking, texting and e-mailing for a few weeks.
A week later...
ME - So what led to marriage?
SHE - We were talking about me not having insurance so I can't go to the dr. If I want Babylove back, I have to try to get my head straight.
ME - And?
SHE - Well, he kinda jokingly said that if we were married, I could live in on-base housing, go to the commisary, and have military insurance. That way I could go back to see the counselor.
ME - And that's a good enough reason to get married??? Military benefits?
SHE - He was just joking. I'm not going to get married just for his military perks.
A week later...
SHE - So we have kinda set a date for next November.
ME - For what?
SHE - To get married.
ME - WHAT??!!??
SHE - Yeah, we have been talking about it more and I am going to spend the month with him and then he's coming home in November so we are getting married.
ME - *thinking that 'this too shall pass"* Ok.
Several days later...
SHE - We have changed the date.
ME - I didn't realize you had a date to begin with?
SHE - It's now going to be in July. And I'm not going to Japan in April.
ME - Ok
Present day ...
Suffice it to say that I have no idea what's going on. The date has been changed several times. How can you plan a wedding without a date? Not only that, she has developed a GIANORMUS need to have Babylove back. Which is going to take some time. And she says she isn't leaving the States without him. So what was the whole point of this marriage thing anyway???
And why rush it? Her paramour has loved her since high school. What's a little more time? They haven't even dated this time around, for Pete's sake!! Paramour is going to get hurt over all this. ED will not be happy when she learns that she has added a whole new set of problems to her current ones. Marriage doesn't 'cure' anything and can be a disease in itself.
And it's not fair to use someone for your own gain. She is not in love. She doesn't even know what love is at this point. If you don't love (or at least like) yourself, how can you believe that anyone else can love you?? When she realizes that she doesn't truly love paramour and wants out, what's going to happen to Babylove then? Especially when paramour has expressed the deisre to adopt him. Where will that leave ED? In another custody battle for Babylove?
Don't get me wrong. I love paramour. When they dated in high school, I thought he was the best thing to happen to her since Daddy came into our lives. She says that why she broke up with him back then. Cause her parents liked him. Can you say 'brains'! Anyway, he has a good head on his shoulders and when he finds something he wants, he goes after it. Like a dog with a bone. I find that type of determination a good thing. Unfortunately, it's going to get him hurt this time.
Just one more effort on her part to solve problems the easy way. There is no easy way. One day at a time and lots of elbow grease.
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